A Very Moderate Manifesto

This prospective draft of the Labour Party’s 2020 manifesto was leaked by “a disgruntled staffer” from the office of a former New Labour spin doctor. As Scotland Yard’s investigation into he and some of his allies continues to swirl, it provides some insight into the direction in which they sought to take Labour in the late 2010s.



Following Jeremy Corbyn’s mysterious death, the Labour Party are delighted.

Wait, sorry, what we meant to say was, following Jeremy Corbyn’s mysterious death, the Labour Party are delighted to enter the 2020 election behind our new leader Bonny Tlayre MP, elected by an enormous landslide via our brand new, ultra-democratic electoral college, which gives Labour MPs more of a say than ever (all of the say!) in how our leaders are chosen. What’s more, each of our thriving party’s members has been democratically elected by a diverse panel of MPs and MI5 operatives (but not until they’ve been through a thorough vetting process, don’t worry!)

We have returned to our core Labour values of electability and attaining power at any cost, unless the cost we’re talking about is social spending, which is for deficit deniers. We have brought back the leading lights of the Ed Miliband era, synonymous with electability and power, to form a shadow cabinet of political heavyweights; names like Hunt, Leslie, Dugher and, of course, Liz “electability” Kendall, whose 4.5% result in the 2015 leadership contest was worth a million in Tory swing votes. We are also delighted to welcome our new Shadow Minister for Women and Equalities, Simon Danczuk. These are people who know a thing or two about electability.

Electability. Let’s say it again.

Liz  Kendall has nobly agreed to put aside her leadership ambitions in order to head up a special Labour paramilitary group keeping trade unionists and other such hard-left agitators in check.

Haven’t the last five years of Conservative rule been even more fun than the Coalition? We know! Unfortunately, we are the Labour Party. We’re sorry for everything we’ve ever done. Everything. Even setting up the NHS. (Don’t worry, something’s going to be done about that!)

At the 2015 election, many people felt Labour was not talking to them because it raised issues such as zero hours contracts, the living wage and food banks. To which we say, a food bank – what’s that? Can you deregulate it?

When Labour was last in government, there was an unprecedented swell in the number of migrants entering the country. We made a mistake. These people are scum, and you were right to despise them.

We want to move on from the politics of envy, and the extremist class war rhetoric of “producers” vs. “predators.” This is our appeal to the wealth creators and business leaders of this country and, of course, the entirety of international capital (we love you guys!): we will suckle on the sweet milk of your life-giving maternal teet. We will marinate in the warm, remunerative glow of your sloshing penis juice.

We have realised that what is bad for business is also bad for workers, like paid maternity leave, the weekend, and basic human rights.

Our new MINISTER OF WAR Dan Jarvis also declined to run for the leadership, as it turned out his thing is just pretending to be leader while somebody else does the actual job.

We’ve learned some serious lessons about what is and isn’t politically viable. We’ve learned that whenever the British electorate vote Conservative, they are absolutely right in their desire for a fierce, hard-right agenda, and anybody who has a problem with that is just a sore loser who needs to quit bitching like some bitch ass entitled millennial hater bitch (we’re looking at you, yes you, slurping your fucking soup in the food bank which doesn’t even exist. Fuck you. Get to work.)

We’ve learned that when the electorate voted Labour in 1997, 2001 and 2005 it was, on the other hand, all a series of terrible mistakes. We apologise unreservedly for almost everything that happened in those years; particularly the reckless spending, which caused the global economic crisis – although we stand by our decision to invade Iraq, and basically anything right-wing, come to think of it. Retrospectively, we would like to inform anybody whose life was saved by increased NHS spending that we wish they had died, so as to decrease the surplus population.

We tried to think of an Orwell quote to justify the preceding statement, but decided instead to smear raw excrement all over the walls of our office.

This is not the croissant-chomping, book-reading, Johnny Foreigner-loving Labour Party of old. We are prepared to face up to the challenges of the modern day. Our politics are not about picking sides because, frankly, even we’re not sure what side we’re on, so your vote is safe with us, or maybe another party, but definitely not a left-wing one.

Also, we are sorry, Rupert. We are really, truly sorry. You are so merciful and wise. We kiss your godly feet and beg for forgiveness.

Here is our fully costed policy package (sponsored by MacDonald’s™);

  • A big fucking middle finger
  • end welfare
  • dkjsfjjffdaf
  • more boats
  • nothing that costs anything
  • so actually, fewer boats
  • ban falafel and wind chimes
  • bomb Syria more
  • bomb other countries in Middle East (doesn’t matter which ones, not Saudi Arabia though cause they’re our mates)
  • isolate & nuke militant trot contingency
  • jibber jabber programme of what jdobd up your—s lefty c/u/nt/bagas\ffa
  • whatever the big swinging dicks say
  • fifty-foot Rupert Murdoch statue



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