Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Vince Cable* (*But Were Afraid to Ask)

Vince Cable has just been elected leader of the Liberal Democrats. In this exclusive* (*already posted on Twitter) listicle for ThinkCease, the Reel Politik team (Jack with contributions from new co-host Laura) fill you in on some empirically true Vince Cable Facts™.

REEL POLITIK’S TOP 21 TRUE VINCE CABLE FACTS

  1. Vince Cable’s heart is made of tweed
  2. Vince Cable goes to the pub and orders a mug of Horlicks
  3. If Vince Cable were on death row, his last meal would be plain buttered toast
  4. Vince Cable’s bones are made of dandruff
  5. Vince Cable coughs up fossils
  6. Vince Cable has porridge for blood
  7. Vince Cable sweats cobwebs
  8. Vince Cable cums dust
  9. Vince Cable sleeps upright inside a grandfather clock
  10. During his time as Lib Dem leader, Tim Farron ran into trouble for his evangelical Christian beliefs. Vince Cable, however, is a puritan.
  11. Vince Cable is not opposed to gay frogs per se, but would order a public inquiry into their sexual practises
  12. Unlike Tim Farron, Cable is not sceptical of the concept of evolution, as he has witnessed most of the process with his own eyes.
  13. This may also have something to do with Cable being born prior to the dawn of organised religious belief.
  14. When Vince Cable’s barber asks him what kind of haircut he wants, Cable produces a picture of some mist
  15. Vince Cable was once declared legally dead, halfway through a speech in parliament. He continued “speaking” for almost ten minutes, kind of like the way a chicken runs around the farmyard after its head has been cut off. This is, in fact, an apt description of his subsequent career.
  16. Cable is the first person since Menzies Campbell a decade ago to lead the Liberal Democrats whilst dead
  17. The permanent look of defeat and submission etched in his face comes from being bitch-slapped by John McDonnell in the mid-1970s.
  18. Cable enjoyed working at Shell Oil in the 1990s because he was inspired by the youthful exuberance and joie de vivre of its thousand-year-old vampire proprietors.
  19. When Vince Cable’s grandkids put on Britain’s Got Talent he got confused because the last time he went to the Music Hall it starred a pre-fame Charlie Chaplin
  20. Vince Cable’s political awakening came from reading the back of a pack of oatmeal
  21. Vince Cable really, really wants to stay in the EU, which is odd considering he predates the existence of the European continent.

 

 

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